Helen, a client from JAPAN!, has a special request.

She writes to me, “I wonder if you could give some ideas about how to maintain a sense of purpose and discipline without feeling like you are holding your breath all the time. I’ve heard the phrase ‘relaxed mastery’ somewhere and I have it when I teach my students. I think you know what I’m driving at; could you write something on it?”

Let’s take a shot:

I’ve struggled with the question, ‘What’s the purpose of life?’ for a long time. I’ve come to the conclusion that our purpose in life is to be happy, and to help other people be happy. (I also think a big part of being truly happy is overcoming our fears. But again – it comes back to happiness.)

[Your purpose may be entirely different. That's okay!]

What makes me happy, might not make you happy. We’re all wired differently. The problem with being ‘happy’ though is that it’s elusive. I’d argue that everyone reading this is ‘happy’.

Once our physiological and safety needs are met, we’re fortunate enough to focus on self-actualization. (Read: Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs.)

So the question then isn’t how do I become happy, but how do I become happier?

When I was in 7th grade, I never really knew why I was working out in my room at 10:30 at night after doing my home work, after basketball practice. I just knew that I had to or else I didn’t feel right – even though my mom and sister thought I was CRAZY.

I’ve realized that working out made me happier – even in 7th grade.

People ask me how I’m so disciplined, and for me it’s about happiness. I’ve written and thought a lot about happiness because I believe that’s why we do everything.

[I can understand how people can think all of the happiness talk is silly and all new-agey. But if we ask ourselves why we do anything, it always comes back to happiness. I'm very happy. But why not be as happy as I can be?]

We’re slaves to our happiness. However, I think there’s a big difference between pleasure and happiness and many times we become slaves to pleasure.

I think our actions make us happy in the short term and many times our actions will (hopefully) make us happier in the long term. Here’s the challenge we all face: If we’re working to be happier in the long term, what are we now?

Well, that’s the paradox we all face. Happiness doesn’t always bring happiness – at least in the short term.

When I started MBT I did it because I had to. Ultimately, because I knew it would make me happier. But there’s been many days where I’d wonder why in the world I had to do this. Many days that are stressful and frustrating.

It’s like studying to become a doctor. All of my friends in medical school are miserable, right now. Eventually, they’ll (hopefully!) be very happy when they’re actually practicing.

So for me, it has become a journey of figuring out what makes me happier and what makes me unhappy. I’ve even created a daily happiness check list for myself.

Here’s the thing: I’m relentless with myself on things that make me happier. I’ll spend and invest whatever it takes. Time/attention/money/sweat/etc.

Most people view every dollar they spend as an expense. But it’s not an expense because expenses don’t pay dividends. Feeling happier certainly does though.

Just because I’ve identified what makes me happier on a daily basis, doesn’t mean I always do it. Knowing is one thing. Application is another.

One of the things I’ve learned with my work through MBT is that us adults are kids – just older in age. We can’t transform into the person we want to become overnight. We can’t sidestep ourselves. We must go through ourselves.

And even if we transform ourselves, it doesn’t mean our past ghosts won’t haunt us. We just become better at managing and dealing with them.

Just because someone quits smoking, doesn’t mean they won’t ever crave a cigarette again.

To me, relaxed mastery means how do I master something so I’m not obsessive about it. Or I’m not constantly killing myself or walking on egg shells so to speak.

The key, I think, is to focus on how you want to feel. Let that guide each choice you make. The problem though is that sometimes we make choices based on short term impulses and pleasure vs. happiness.

I would guess that teaching feels easy because it feels good in the moment. You can connect with your students. The challenge for us is that eating salty, sugary and fatty foods feels good in the moment too. I’ve never denied this.

But eating healthful foods feels even better! That’s the twist we must not forget (and often do).

As much fun as eating ice cream and watching TV is, deep down I have more fun (and feel happier!) when I’m eating healthfully and moving around.

The battles get easier and easier but they’re still battles. The only way to master anything is to first decide that you’re going to, and then fight like hell every single day to make that happen doing whatever it takes, surrounding yourself with whatever it takes, to make it happen.

Choosing that feels happier. Not fighting like hell doesn’t.

I hope this helps. If you have a special request for a topic, feel free to shoot me an email. I love hearing from you!

Sayonara,

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Whenever a new client joins MBT, I always ask them a bunch of questions so I can learn more about them. One of the questions I ask is, “What have been your biggest obstacles in the past when trying to reach your goals?”

And, by far, the most common response is some sort of variation of: “I’m my own biggest obstacle. I’m constantly sabotaging my own success, and I don’t know why.”

Well, I do.

And it’s why I’ve been able to help 100’s and 100’s of people of all ages, shapes and sizes throughout the US and world get the body they’ve always wanted – and most importantly, keep that body.

It’s also why MBT has been featured on Good Morning America, Conde’ Nast, Shape, Thrillist, Fox, Inc. Magazine, AOL.com, MSNBC.com, Yahoo.com, Mashable, Huffington Post and countless other national media.

MBT doesn’t just focus on the tactical part of losing weight. That’s fairly easy. At MBT we focus on the critically important mental side of losing weight.

So, if you’re interested in knowing why you constantly sabotage your weight loss efforts, and what you can do about it, email me —> adam at mybodytutor dot com with the subject line, “I want to know why I sabotage my weight loss efforts.”

Why am I doing this?

Because what I’m going to share with you is very, very good. And because I’m obsessed with getting my clients results, I want to know that you’re at least willing to take some action and email me.

Here’s the kicker though: If you email me by Sunday at midnight, I’ll also include a free 10 minute phone call with yours truly, and we’ll talk all about you and your goals and challenges.

Why am I doing this? (Well, I just got free long distance. Kidding!) I’m doing this because I really do live for this stuff. And it’s a lot of fun for me to help people.

So, if you’d like to know why 95% of this world is amazing at starting AND stopping diets, and how you can overcome your self-sabotage simply email me at adam [at] mybodytutor [dot] com right now with the subject line “I want to know why I sabotage my weight loss efforts.”

As I said, what I’m going to share with you is very good. It’s helped my clients tremendously!

I look forward to speaking with you!

Hahahaha! I have to laugh with a subject line like that but I know it’s the truth…

Thankfully, it’s only temporary.

As Dorie eloquently wrote a while back…”sometimes she hates me.” (Thankfully, a wise woman always told me that hate is the closest thing to love so I don’t get offended.)

Question for ya: Ever give a friend relationship advice, and as soon as you finish telling him/her they get all defensive and mad? Sometimes, they even start yelling back at you! Well, as insane as that is, it’s because most of us want to be told what we want to hear…not what we NEED to hear.

As my brother in law always says, there’s two types of good. Good and good for nothing! (That’s how I feel about advice.)

But let’s talk about why I’m annoying. What got me thinking was a phone call I had last night with a client.

We’ll call him “Mikey”. Mikey joined MBT wanting to get in shape for his wedding day. He told me he has started countless diets before, and always does good for the first few pounds or so…and then falls off track, like most of us do.

Well Mikey has been DOMINATING! We had lost 20+ pounds, and he was as motivated and determined as ever.

And then…

And then slowly but surely, he has become too busy to submit his feedback every night. Slowly but surely, he’s happy that he is maintaining his weight instead of losing it.

So last night, when we spoke, I asked him what was going on, and why he hasn’t been submitting his feedback regularly for the last week or so.

He basically said, “It’s kinda annoying. And that he’s really busy.”

Boom! So much truth…

Mikey is smart enough to know what he’s doing. He’s a smart guy. But I explained to him why he’s doing it.

I love exploring the psychological reasons behind our actions. After all, it’s ALL psychological…

*****

Let’s talk about cognitive dissonance. This happens when we have two conflicting desires. For example, smoking. It is well known that smoking cigarettes can cause lung cancer yet every person I’ve ever met wants to live a long, healthy and fit life.

The uncomfortable tension caused by these two opposing ideas is known as dissonance. As humans, we look to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling. This is known as dissonance reduction.

The only way to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling is by a) quitting smoking b) denying that people actually get sick from smoking or c) justifying and rationalizing.

For example, a smoker could rationalize their behavior by believing that few people get sick from smoking, it only happens to people who smoke more than they do, if smoking doesn’t kill them something else will, they’ll quit next year or they only live once and they deserve to smoke.

In essence, they either need to take action (quit smoking and get whatever help they need <---- this is very hard!) or they need to make themselves feel better by rationalizing their smoking which is what most people do (<---this is much easier and that's why most people do it).

Knowing this, let's talk about why Mikey is finding MBT annoying as of late. <----that's my sad face.

I'll tell you why:

F.E.A.R.

It comes down to either fear of change, fear of failure or fear of success.

There's an old saying I love:

"The temptation to quit will be greatest just before you are about to succeed."

In this case, because Mikey was DOMINATING, he realized he was going to have to change for the long term. And unfortunately, real change is uncomfortable.

He got scared.

Because deep down, he wasn't totally prepared to let go of emotional eating.

In his mind, he needs to emotionally eat and he can't imagine life without doing so...

His success made him fear the change.

So what do we do if we're Mikey?

We have to reduce the dissonance because when there is a disconnect between what we really WANT to do (eating right, exercising, etc.,) and what we're ACTUALLY doing, uncomfortable feelings and unhappiness ensue.

Because he doesn't want to feel that dissonance or discomfort or resistance (whatever you want to call it) he has to remove the accountability. By submitting every night, it was making him feel bad. (Not to toot my own horn but this is precisely WHY MBT works so well. That's what accountability does. It holds our feet to the fire. Okay...sorry. The self promotion train is leaving. Choo! Choo!)

Mikey was coming up with all sorts of excuses because he didn't want to face the discomfort anymore. His main excuse? He was too busy to submit his feedback every night. Interesting.

He has to get rid of that discomfort somehow...so he'll find anything and latch on to it so he can ease the tension. (Ahhh yes...submitting a feedback is a pain in the butt and it takes time. And it's annoying! Yes! Whew. Now I can rationalize my excuse - and not feel bad.)

Of course, I know Mikey doesn't REALLY think MBT is annoying. Annoying is a code word for the discomfort and resistance he's facing.

(Quick note on being too busy. We're all too busy for a lot of things but somehow I manage to watch plenty of reality TV every week. My personal favorite: I'm proud to say is The Real Housewives. They're ALL addicting! Ugh.)

The real problem ISN'T that it takes too much time to submit a feedback. We make time for what's important to us.

The real problem is that he can't imagine staying consistent for the long term. Why? Because he's never stayed consistent for the long term! What he WAS doing was sabotaging himself. I'm thrilled to say Mikey is back on track now.

My next inspiration will talk about self-sabotage and why we do it - so we can prevent it from happening to you.

Instead of criticizing or shaming him like so many people out there would do (because it's the obvious and easy thing to do), it's far more effective to help him understand his own behavior. (Shaming or criticizing never leads to long lasting change.)

Fighting human nature is silly.

Instead, when we understand what's going on around us, it makes it a lot easier to call it what it is and move on...and start dominating again!

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