I get a lot of email from clients who tell me how their friends / coworkers family members are trying to sabotage their efforts.

Ugh, I know. It’s frustrating.

But instead of fighting reality – let’s explore why this might happen. If you understand why, it’s a lot easier to deal with.

First, we have to understand human behavior – at its worst.

A study quoted in the book The Paradox of Choice gave participants hypothetical choices concerning status and asked for their preferences. For example, people were asked to choose between a) earning $50,000 a year with others earning $25,000 or b) earning twice as much, $100,000 a year but being surrounded by people earning $200,000.

More than half the respondents chose the option that gave them the better relative position. That means earning $50,000 to $100,000 because they were at $50,000 earning more than others, while at $100,000 they were earning less than others.

Although we’re hard wired to compare, it’s who you compare yourself to that can make or break your happiness. Ideally, you wouldn’t compare yourself to anyone. Really!

Because we now know that many would prefer the better relative position, it’s easy to see why people would sabotage your efforts.

Let’s go even deeper…

Are you familiar with the term cognitive dissonance? This happens when we have two conflicting desires. For example, smoking. It is well known that smoking cigarettes can cause lung cancer yet every person I’ve ever met wants to live a long, healthy and fit life.

The uncomfortable tension caused by these two opposing ideas is known as dissonance.

As humans, we look to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling. This is known as dissonance reduction.

The only way to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling is by a) quitting smoking b) denying that people actually get sick from smoking or c) justifying and rationalizing.

For example, a smoker could rationalize their behavior by believing that few people get sick from smoking, it only happens to people who smoke more than they do, if smoking doesn’t kill them something else will, they’ll quit next year or they only live once.

In essence, they either need to take action (quit smoking and get whatever help they need <---- this is very hard!) or they need to make themselves feel better by rationalizing their smoking - which is what most people do (<---this is much easier and that's why most people do it).

Knowing both of these concepts let's explore why even people who love you dearly would sabotage you:

1. They wish they had the courage to take action and do something about their health and fitness but in reality they rather just talk about doing something. So, to make themselves feel better they try to bring you down.

2. They enjoy being the thinner one - aka - better relative position.

3. They feel bad whenever they eat unhealthy because their desires and actions aren't in alignment. To get rid of that uncomfortable feeling they encourage you to do the same so they don't feel as bad. In this case, in their head, two wrongs do make a right.

4. They are used to you being the out of shape, over weight person so they feel threatened that you're going to become a different person. They want their 'old' friend back because they felt 'safe' with you that way. ---> Here is an opportunity for you to squash these fears.

Again, as sad as it is – it’s human nature. Soon we’ll explore ways we can actually deal with those who sabotage us.

I think there’s two types of motivators that can be very powerful forces in our lives.

One might look at one (or both) of their parents, friends, colleagues, or someone they know, and want to be nothing like him/her.

Sometimes, I think being around what you don’t want to be, is just as, if not more, powerful.

And then of course there are positive role models. We look up to these people and love what they are about. We wish we could be more like them. We admire them for what they do, how they do it, and who they are.

We can choose our significant other and friends but we can’t choose our family, co-workers and boss (for the most part). And sometimes because your friends are so intertwined, you can’t choose who you’re around.

So what to do?

What if you looked at all of the people in your life and picked off their best qualities? Instead of letting the people you dislike ruin your day, why not use them as inspiration.

Make it a grab bag.

Say you admire a certain quality about a person. Go. Take it!

Ohhh! I like that quality about her! Go. Take it!

Ehh! But she has this quality I don’t really like. Skip that! Go for the good things.

Uh oh. Here comes your boss who you absolutely despise. Note to self: This is what you don’t want to be. You don’t ever want to be or act like him/her!

Knowing what you don’t want to be is just as important as knowing what you want to be.

I believe we are all actors playing who want to be in this beautiful show called, “Life!”

Why not play the character you’ve always wanted to be?

Is she sexy, strong and confident? Is he cool, calm and disciplined? Whatever characteristics you want your character to have – you can have!

Don’t say things like, “That’s not me,” or “I wish I could,” or “I just can’t play that type of character.”

Just do!

Start acting like the character you want to be. Stop acting like the characters you certainly don’t want to be right now.

Try it.

There’s nothing like show business.

The cool thing is if you keep acting a certain way, you’ll become that way!

As we all know carrying excess weight isn’t healthy. But that’s okay. We’ll get there!

However, in order to get there you need to let yourself be happier, fitter and healthier.

Are you doing that?

I’m serious. You might think, “Of course I want to be happier, fitter and healthier!”

But many of us have noises that get in the way. Many of us are truly scared to imagine what life might be like without the distraction of our weight!

These noises tell us that we won’t ever be fit and that’s it more comfortable to have an extra layer of fat because we’re more protected.

It’s like a security blanket…except it’s really not.

Are you letting your weight protect you? Are you afraid to look good? Are you afraid it will be too hard? Are you afraid to put yourself out there? Are you afraid of giving up your best excuse for why something isn’t working in life?

Many people use their excess weight as an excuse for everything.

It’s time to cut that out!

Change can be uncomfortable at first but I am right here with you. A lot of people are afraid of a little discomfort, and I understand that, but the reward is so enormous.

When you change for the better, you will learn that the discomfort will quickly be replaced by a feeling of satisfaction and most importantly a feeling of getting back into your own skin – where you belong.

Don’t be fooled by all of the devious noises that tell you it can’t happen to you. Or even that you aren’t ready for it to happen, or that you don’t deserve it.

That’s ridiculous. Everyone deserves to be happier, fitter and healthier!

I live in NYC. There’s a lot of noise! Lots of sirens and honking and sounds!

But it doesn’t mean I have to pay attention to it.

If it acts likes a duck all the time, it’s a duck. It doesn’t matter if the duck thinks it’s a cat.

It’s still a duck as far as the rest of us are concerned.

I find myself telling people to ‘be’ who they want to be. I also find myself saying ‘act’ like you want to be.

The problem with ‘being’ though is it’s too ambiguous. What does ‘be’ actually mean? ‘Act’ on the other hand is actionable.

Doing is possible. But ‘being’?

You could spend your time wondering if what you say you are is really you. Or you could just act like that all of the time.