Happy Friday!

I’m fascinated by the story we tell ourselves – about ourselves.

Hear me out. We all have an ego. Some bigger than others but we all have one. Our ego is essentially the way we perceive ourselves. Or the story we tell our self about our self.

We also have an ongoing story that we tell ourselves. And it becomes very easy to connect random occurrences into a ongoing story that makes sense to us. This is known as our preferred narrative.

In other words, we’ll rationalize everything. This is good and bad. It’s good because if we didn’t have the miraculous ability to rationalize, we wouldn’t be able to function in this insane world.

But it’s bad because if something we do doesn’t fit into our story we tend to ignore it.

For example, if someone thinks they are extremely honest – and if they do something that is dishonest – they will somehow completely ignore it and rationalize it.

They will chalk it up to something other than being dishonest.

Being self-aware certainly helps. However, we’re all only self-aware to an extent – because of this phenomenon.

So how does this apply to us? I think it applies to us immensely.

Every time you indulge in unhealthy food what do you tell yourself? Every time you let up during a workout as opposed to pushing harder what do you tell yourself?

Every weekend what do you tell yourself?

Now when you start to pay attention to your actions, as opposed to your story, it starts to get really interesting.

Because your story is the person you really want to be. That’s how you’d like to view yourself.

Your actions, of course, are you! You can’t define anyone but by their actions.

You can be great. But unless you do great no one will know that.

Think about that today and this weekend. Make your actions follow your story!

I hope your Monday is off to a rocking start!

I don’t write enough inspirations about celebrating small wins. In fact, the only way to create big wins (weight loss, dropping sizes, baggy clothes, etc.,) is by having small wins.

Getting the body you want is about the accrued power of 1000’s of meals and 100’s of workouts. Each one counts just as much as the next one. But like with anything in life – it’s unrealistic to expect rainbows and butterflies all the time.

Dealing with the lows is the hardest part, of course. But even in the worst situations there can be a win!

Let’s say you’re in the middle of a binge (not going to get into how to prevent one now) and you typically eat everything in sight and then some. Or, you typically eat a carton of ice cream. Well, leaving even a few bites – is a win nonetheless. That’s progress!

Let’s say you really don’t want to exercise. So you don’t. Typically, you would then proceed to be inactive all day. But instead, you do 50 jumping jacks before you shower. That’s progress. It’s a win nonetheless!

Let’s say you have a terrible day of eating. You’re disgusted with yourself so you choose not to submit your daily feedback, as you usually do, when you’re unhappy with how you eat. But instead, you submit it and are as open and honest as possible.

I learn the most about myself and you when things are going poorly. Not when things are going great! It’s smooth sailing when it’s going great! The greatest growth happens when the sh*t hits the fan. And it ALWAYS will!

Let’s say you’ve been hating how you’re feeling and looking. So like many in this situation, your bury yourself with food in hopes of changing the way you feel. (Of course, this will only make you feel worse.) Nope. Not you! Not this time. You took action and signed up for MBT. Boom. That’s a win!

While some might see a binge as a negative, these can also be seen as wins. As progress…

Ingrained behaviors and habits aren’t easy to change.

But it’s very possible. It takes a lot of work. It takes effort. Lots of courage. Patience. And mostly, it takes a willingness to change.

And part of that is not only celebrating the good but also how the bad is getting less bad.

Helen, a client from Japan!, has a special request.

She writes to me, “I wonder if you could give some ideas about how to maintain a sense of purpose and discipline without feeling like you are holding your breath all the time. I’ve heard the phrase ‘relaxed mastery’ somewhere and I have it when I teach my students. I think you know what I’m driving at; could you write something on it?”

Let’s take a shot:

I’ve struggled with the question, ‘What’s the purpose of life?’ for a long time. I’ve come to the conclusion that our purpose in life is to be happy, and to help other people be happy.

[Your purpose may be entirely different. That's okay!]

What makes me happy, might not make you happy. We’re all wired differently. The problem with being ‘happy’ though is that it’s elusive. I’d argue that everyone reading this is ‘happy’.

Once our physiological and safety needs are met, we’re fortunate enough to focus on self-actualization. (Read: Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs.)

So the question then isn’t how do I become happy, but how do I become happier?

When I was in 7th grade working out in my room at 10:30 at night after doing my home work after basketball practice, I never really knew why I was doing it. I just knew that I had to or else I didn’t feel right – even though my mom and sister thought I was nuts.

I’ve realized that working out made me happier – even in 7th grade. People ask me how I’m so disciplined and for me it’s about happiness. I’ve written and thought a lot about happiness because I believe that’s why we do everything.

[I can understand how people can think all of the happiness talk is silly. But if you ask yourself why you do anything, it always comes back to happiness. I'm very happy. Why not be as happy as I can be?]

We’re slaves to our happiness. However, I think there’s a big difference between pleasure and happiness and many times we become slaves to pleasure. (I’ll explore this later on in the week.)

I think our actions make us happy in the short term and many times our actions will (hopefully) make us happier in the long term. Here’s the challenge we all face: If we’re working to be happier in the long term, what are we now?

Well, that’s the paradox we all face. Happiness doesn’t always bring happiness – at least in the short term.

When I started MBT I did it because I had to. Ultimately, because I knew it would make me happier. But there’s been many days where I’d wonder why in the world I had to do this. Many days that are stressful and frustrating.

It’s like studying to become a doctor. All of my friends in medical school are miserable, right now. Eventually, they’ll (hopefully!) be very happy when they’re actually practicing medicine.

So for me, it has become a journey of figuring out what makes me happier and what makes me unhappy. I’ve even created a daily happiness check list for myself.

Here’s the thing: I’m relentless with myself on things that make me happier. I’ll spend and invest whatever it takes. Time/attention/money/sweat/etc.

Most people view every dollar they spend as an expense. But it’s not an expense because expenses don’t pay dividends. Feeling happier certainly does.

Just because I’ve identified what makes me happier on a daily basis, doesn’t mean I always do it. Knowing is one thing. Application is another.

One of the things I’ve learned with my work through MBT is that us adults are kids – just older in age. We can’t transform into the person we want to become overnight. We can’t sidestep ourselves. We must go through ourselves.

And even if we transform ourselves, it doesn’t mean our past ghosts won’t haunt us. We just become better at managing and dealing with them.

Just because someone quits smoking, doesn’t mean they won’t ever crave a cigarette again.

To me, relaxed mastery means how do I master something so I’m not obsessive about it. Or I’m not constantly killing myself or walking on egg shells so to speak.

The key, I think, is to focus on how you want to feel. Let that guide each choice you make. The problem though is that sometimes we make choices based on short term impulses and pleasure vs. happiness.

I would guess that teaching feels easy because it feels good in the moment. You can connect with your students. The challenge for us is that eating salty, sugary and fatty foods feels good in the moment too. I’ve never denied this.

But eating healthful foods feels even better! That’s the twist we must not forget.

As much fun as eating ice cream and watching The Real Housewives is, deep down I have more fun (and feel happier!) when I’m eating healthfully and moving around.

The battles get easier and easier but they’re still battles. The only way to master anything is decide that you’re going to and fight like hell every single day to make that happen doing whatever it takes, surrounding yourself with whatever it takes, to make it happen.

Choosing that feels happier. Not fighting like hell doesn’t.

I hope this helps. If you have a special request for a topic, feel free to shoot me an email.

Sayonara,

I hope you had a wonderful weekend!

I’ve long argued that you can tell a lot about a person by how much they tip.

I’ve long believed that having personal integrity is one of the keys to being truly happy. It’s the only way to live because it’s our sense of selves.

In short: Personal integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking.

I believe lying to yourself – and rationalizing things to yourself – that you normally wouldn’t do if other people were around – is the worst feeling in the entire world.

There is no worse feeling than lying to yourself. We all do it day in and day out. And it’s very easy to become numb to the feeling.

I don’t know one person who enjoys being overweight and out of shape.

I don’t know one person who doesn’t enjoy being healthy and in shape.

Clearly, there’s something going on here. If everyone wants to be healthy and in shape why isn’t everyone just that?

Because we constantly lie to ourselves.

Don’t feel bad. We all do it! (That’s why I started MBT because I was doing it and I hated how it made me feel.)

The difference between us and everyone else is we’re more honest with ourselves. We’re willing to raise our hands and say, “Hey, I need some help!”

The only way to solve a problem is to acknowledge you have one in the first place. Most people can’t do that. And even fewer people can admit they need some help.

That’s why so few people are ultra successful. Every mega-successful person I’ve ever met is extremely self-aware in what they excel at, and what they’re terrible at. The difference – they aren’t too proud to raise their hand and say, “Hey, I need some help!”

Here’s another key to happiness: when there is a disconnect between our desires and our actions, unhappiness ensues.

So that means if something is really important to you, say, losing weight but your actions don’t reflect that (most likely, because you’re rationalizing and justifying to yourself) that’s going to lead to unhappy feelings.

It’s a constant journey of listening to the Body Tutor on your shoulder versus the devil on your other.

No one knows how much you’re concentrating when you’re lifting weights. So you can easily go through the motions or you can go slow and steady and focus on the muscle you’re working each and every rep.

No one knows if you’re running as hard as you can. It’s very easy to fake it. Only you know how hard you’re running.

No one knows if you’re sneaking snacks when no one is looking. Sure. You don’t have to tell us…

But at the end of the day you have to face two mirrors. The mirror you look in every night when you brush your teeth and the mirror of the Daily Feedback.

If you don’t like what you see, start with personal integrity. You’ll be amazed at how you feel (and look) when you start doing the things you really want to do deep down.

In fact, I’m arguing that personal integrity is the key to your happiness. People who get plastic surgery are still, according to plenty of research, unhappy with how they look – and feel.

Inside out. That’s what it’s about. Doing what you *really* want to do. Being who you *really* want to be.