I feel like I'm holding my breath all the time

Helen, a client from JAPAN!, has a special request.

She writes to me, "I wonder if you could give some ideas about how to maintain a sense of purpose and discipline without feeling like you are holding your breath all the time. I've heard the phrase 'relaxed mastery' somewhere and I have it when I teach my students. I think you know what I'm driving at; could you write something on it?"

Let's take a shot:

I've struggled with the question, 'What's the purpose of life?' for a long time. I've come to the conclusion that our purpose in life is to be happy, and to help other people be happy. (I also think a big part of being truly happy is overcoming our fears. But again - it comes back to happiness.)

[Your purpose may be entirely different. That's okay!]

What makes me happy, might not make you happy. We're all wired differently. The problem with being 'happy' though is that it's elusive. I'd argue that everyone reading this is 'happy'.

Once our physiological and safety needs are met, we're fortunate enough to focus on self-actualization. (Read: Maslow's Hierarchy of needs.)

So the question then isn't how do I become happy, but how do I become happier?

When I was in 7th grade, I never really knew why I was working out in my room at 10:30 at night after doing my home work, after basketball practice. I just knew that I had to or else I didn't feel right - even though my mom and sister thought I was CRAZY.

I've realized that working out made me happier - even in 7th grade.

People ask me how I'm so disciplined, and for me it's about happiness. I've written and thought a lot about happiness because I believe that's why we do everything.

[I can understand how people can think all of the happiness talk is silly and all new-agey. But if we ask ourselves why we do anything, it always comes back to happiness. I'm very happy. But why not be as happy as I can be?]

We're slaves to our happiness. However, I think there's a big difference between pleasure and happiness and many times we become slaves to pleasure.

I think our actions make us happy in the short term and many times our actions will (hopefully) make us happier in the long term. Here's the challenge we all face: If we're working to be happier in the long term, what are we now?

Well, that's the paradox we all face. Happiness doesn't always bring happiness - at least in the short term.

When I started MBT I did it because I had to. Ultimately, because I knew it would make me happier. But there's been many days where I'd wonder why in the world I had to do this. Many days that are stressful and frustrating.

It's like studying to become a doctor. All of my friends in medical school are miserable, right now. Eventually, they'll (hopefully!) be very happy when they're actually practicing.

So for me, it has become a journey of figuring out what makes me happier and what makes me unhappy. I've even created a daily happiness check list for myself.

Here's the thing: I'm relentless with myself on things that make me happier. I'll spend and invest whatever it takes. Time/attention/money/sweat/etc.

Most people view every dollar they spend as an expense. But it's not an expense because expenses don't pay dividends. Feeling happier certainly does though.

Just because I've identified what makes me happier on a daily basis, doesn't mean I always do it. Knowing is one thing. Application is another.

One of the things I've learned with my work through MBT is that us adults are kids - just older in age. We can't transform into the person we want to become overnight. We can't sidestep ourselves. We must go through ourselves.

And even if we transform ourselves, it doesn't mean our past ghosts won't haunt us. We just become better at managing and dealing with them.

Just because someone quits smoking, doesn't mean they won't ever crave a cigarette again.

To me, relaxed mastery means how do I master something so I'm not obsessive about it. Or I'm not constantly killing myself or walking on egg shells so to speak.

The key, I think, is to focus on how you want to feel. Let that guide each choice you make. The problem though is that sometimes we make choices based on short term impulses and pleasure vs. happiness.

I would guess that teaching feels easy because it feels good in the moment. You can connect with your students. The challenge for us is that eating salty, sugary and fatty foods feels good in the moment too. I've never denied this.

But eating healthful foods feels even better! That's the twist we must not forget (and often do).

As much fun as eating ice cream and watching TV is, deep down I have more fun (and feel happier!) when I'm eating healthfully and moving around.

The battles get easier and easier but they're still battles. The only way to master anything is to first decide that you're going to, and then fight like hell every single day to make that happen doing whatever it takes, surrounding yourself with whatever it takes, to make it happen.

Choosing that feels happier. Not fighting like hell doesn't.

I hope this helps. If you have a special request for a topic, feel free to shoot me an email. I love hearing from you!

Sayonara,

-Adam

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