Why our friends and family sabotage us
Ever wonder why our friends and even family members sometimes sabotage us? This post is for you…
Although I love the summer and the warm weather, I also love this time of year because everyone is in such a good mood.
With this time of years comes lots of events, and gatherings with family, friends and coworkers. Yay! 🙂
It’s exciting to see people we haven’t seen in a while, especially when we’re feeling and looking so good.
With consistency comes results!
Unfortunately, this is also when the saboteurs try to work their toxic magic. 🙁
It can be very frustrating, even hurtful, when our coworkers, friends and even family members try to sabotage our efforts.
Total Reading Time: 3 minutes.
Instead of fighting reality, let’s explore why this might happen. If we understand why, it’s a lot easier to deal with.
First, we have to understand human behavior – at its WORST.
A study quoted in the book The Paradox of Choice gave participants hypothetical choices concerning status and asked for their preferences. For example, people were asked to choose between a) earning $50,000 a year with others earning $25,000 or b) earning twice as much, $100,000 a year but being surrounded by people earning $200,000.
Which would you choose?
Sadly (at least to me), more than half the respondents chose the option that gave them the better relative position. That means earning $50,000 to $100,000 because at $50,000 they were earning more than others, while at $100,000 they were earning less than others.
(I think this is crazy! BUT, it doesn’t matter what I think. For many, this is how they feel. For some humans, this IS their nature.)
Although we’re hard wired to compare, it’s who we compare ourselves to that can make or break our happiness. Ideally, we wouldn’t compare ourselves to anyone. Really!
Besides, your status compared to other people isn’t how YOU’RE doing.
Because we now know that many would prefer the better relative position, it’s easy to see why people would sabotage our efforts.
Let’s go even deeper…
I’m going to get all psychological on you.
Are you familiar with the term cognitive dissonance?
This happens when we have two conflicting desires. For example, let’s take smoking. It is well known that smoking cigarettes can cause lung cancer yet every person I’ve ever met wants to live a long, healthy and fit life.
The uncomfortable tension caused by these two opposing ideas — wanting to smoke but also wanting to be healthy and fit — is known as cognitive dissonance.
As humans, we look to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling. This is known as dissonance reduction.
The only way to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling is by a) quitting smoking b) denying that people actually get sick from smoking or c) justifying and rationalizing.
For example, a smoker could rationalize their behavior by believing that few people get sick from smoking, it only happens to people who smoke more than they do, if smoking doesn’t kill them something else will, they’ll quit next year, it’s too expensive to quit, or they only live once and they deserve to smoke.
In essence, they either need to take action (quit smoking and get whatever help they need <—-this is very hard!) or they need to make themselves feel better by rationalizing their smoking – which is what most people do).
This might cause your friends/family/coworkers to feel an uncomfortable feeling —-> “Ugh, ‘so and so’ looks so good! I wish I could have the “discipline” it takes to look that good too!”
(I quote discipline because it’s not all about discipline. As we know, it’s about having a system in place along with support and accountability to monitor and track our progress to help us sustain the effort necessary to actually change.)
They need to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling somehow though…
Sadly, these people know deep down they’re not going to take any action THEMSELVES, and nothing is going to change on their end.
SO, if they can’t change their own body (most people don’t really want to change — they rather TALK about changing), they’ll try to bring down the people around them who are.
This is how they get rid of the dissonance (or uncomfortable feeling) they’re experiencing.
Again, as sad as it is – it’s human nature. Fighting human nature is silly.
When we understand what’s going on around us, it makes it a lot easier to call it what it is and move on.
WHAT IF: every time someone was trying to sabotage us, we flipped it, and said to ourselves, “Bring it! I must be looking good! Damn. This consistency stuff is working! I love MBT! What an amazing program! And just smiled to ourselves?” 🙂
Sure it can be hurtful that our coworkers and friends are sabotaging us — even our loved ones! But, if we understand human behavior, and accept it, rather than fight it, we can at least understand why they’re doing it.
And maybe, just maybe, look at it in a completely different way.
P.S. This is the longest postscript ever…
Sometimes, our loves ones aren’t trying to sabotage us. For them, food is simply love. It’s how they express it.
Not eating something doesn’t seem like an option when Grandma is practically forcing us to eat her “famous” dish.
Here’s the thing: we feel bad and start to waver. If we answer with the, “Well, maybe I’ll have…” we’re cooked. Once we start wavering, it’s game over. We can’t teeter. Grandma (or anyone) won’t leave us alone! They smell the uncertainty from a mile away.
But, if we immediately say something like, “Grandma, no thank you! I’m going to pass. I’m not hungry.” it’s hard to argue with that.
“Eat something! I made this just for you!”
“But I’m not hungry. Maybe later.” It’s really hard to argue with someone who says they’re not hungry.
The key is to add in something like, “I know how hard you worked, and I know you love me and I love you too! But I’m going to pass on this. I do appreciate your efforts a lot!” that usually helps. (Grandma just wants to be recognized for her efforts, as anyone does. So it’s possible to give her what she wants without actually eating it.)
P.P.S. Are you tired of losing weight and regaining it? The reason you’re regaining it is because you’re not changing your relationship with food. If the only thing you change is the food you’re eating, you’re not going to change for the long term. Unless you change your mindset and develop the right habits and behaviors you’re never going to be able to stick with it. You can only rely on willpower for so long. This is one of the many reasons why our clients are able to lose weight and keep it off…guaranteed. Learn more now by clicking here.